never in a million years...

I know, I know, my last blog was a "Part I" and this blog is NOT "Part II". So for those of you who have to eat your M&M's in pairs or for those who have to eat a hamburger with ketchup AND mustard, I must apologize up front that I am not following my "Part I" with a "Part II". I must confess that my first post, written and shared an embarrassing three months ago, received so much positive feedback that I was sure I'd jinxed myself. Even though I "don't believe" in that "kind of stuff", I think, deep down, I had really spooked myself and thought I would never be able to live up to my own success of sorts.

Now, maybe you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "Geez, Amy, it's a BLOG ENTRY, not a (insert whatever is a big deal for you)! And you're right, it's probably not this big of a deal, but welcome to Amy's issues with vulnerability. Even as I write this right now, I am imagining someone rolling their eyes and clicking the little "x" in the top right-hand corner of their screen so they can move on with their life....

But here's the deal. I recently took a personality test, thanks to a now grown, alum of a youth group my husband and I used to lead ages ago. I am usually skeptical of personality tests. I shy away from them because I don't want to be labeled and boxed in to someone else's analysis of my likes and dislikes and what that might mean

for the kind of person I may or may not be. But I eventually succumbed to the peer pressure 🤷‍♀ and took the personality test. I answered all one bazillion questions and was taken aback at the eerie accuracy with which the results described me.....

Descriptions such as being "extremely industrious, but at the price of losing emotional contact with many of the people in their lives" and they "shut down emotionally to become hardened and rock-like" are hard to read, especially when they clearly resonate with me. How many times have I dis-engaged out of self-preservation? Ummm, more times than I care to admit. How many times have I stopped connecting because I thought personal connection was over-rated given the risk of disappointment. But as I've grown older, I've come to realize that while these knee-jerk reactions of closing myself off are a natural response for me and don't require all that much effort, I was made by a loving Father to have an entirely different experience during my time on this earth...

As I continued to read my "results", I began to read that as my personality type becomes healthier emotionally, words such as resourceful, "can-do" attitude, and a steady inner drive are used to describe "us". People with this personality exhibit initiative and make things happen with a great passion for life. People with the personality type that I apparently posses use their talents and fortitude to construct a better world for everyone. Words like natural leaders who have a solid, commanding presence are used. Now that sounds more like it! This, too, resonated with me and THIS was the kind of person I wanted to be.

You see, I (and I believe many of us) inadvertently pour so much attention into those not-so-great character traits that we all possess, that we magnify them, even if it is only within our own mind's eye. We are our greatest critics, right? Listen, left to my own devices, I would live on a deserted island somewhere in the middle of the south Pacific forever if it meant that I would never risk "drama" or being put in the position of having to be violated emotionally, or in any other way for that matter. I would be "safe", but miserable as heck.

So here's the deal. Our family has been on such a crazy journey and we've had experiences in the last several years that I never thought we'd have in a million years. Why did I think we would never have these experiences? Because we love Jesus and He would never allow us to go through such wrenching and difficult circumstances, right? But seriously, we've been on this crazy journey of layer-peeling. Ya'll know what I mean? Like a frickin' bloomin' onion! One.Painful.Layer.At.A.Time. Our good father has been peeling back our layers so that we have nothing left to hide behind anymore. TALK ABOUT VULNERABILITY ISSUES!

So here we are. The girl who was wrecked for Guatemala almost 20 years ago and the boy who never suspected he'd meet the girl. Here we are stripped bare and it is in this state that our good Father has chosen to lead us back to Guatemala to help restore the broken places. Ourselves broken so that no one can say that it will have been done in our own strength. Laid bare so that it is and and will be His ability working through us.

Today, as I share my thoughts, I reflect on the words to the hymn I was reminded of as I sat on the couch in our counselor's office yesterday... O to grace how great a debtor / Daily I'm constrained to be / Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, Bind my wandering heart to Thee / Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it / Prone to leave the God I love / Here's my heart, oh, take and seal it / Seal it for Thy courts above

Here's my heart, Lord. Take and seal it... Seal my heart to Thee, Lord.